T’was the night before Christmas

T’was the night before Christmas, such a bad girl am I
I wanted to give Santa some ‘sweet cherry pie’

I had on my stockings and a touch of lipstick
Cos I wanted a ride on ‘the man’s’ disco stick

As the big man himself bounded through my door
I wondered excitedly what was in store

He stood there and bellowed a “Ho ho ho ho”
I said “Don’t call me that or I’ll tell you to go”

He pointed to the bedroom, that big man in red
And tied me up tight face down on the bed

While running his finger all the way down my back
He said “Now isn’t this better than what’s in my sack”

In his hand he had paddles, a whip and a cane
Spikes on a stick, hot wax and cold chains

I thought to myself “Oooh now that’s rather nice,
I do love a bit of the ol’ Christmas spice”

So sure of himself. Made me scream and then beg
As he used all his weight to pin down my legs

“You’re such a bad girl, I think you need a spank”
“I’m not on the pill, I hope you’re firing blanks”

A few hours later when his good deed was done
He said he must leave now that he’d had his fun

“Is there anythig else my dear that you wish”
“Oooh Santa yes please. The bad boys on your list”

“I’ll see what I can do and I wish you good cheer
And oh, by the way……… Same time next year” !!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

KNICKERS UP MY BUM

I got up this morning
Had a shower then got dressed
I was in a rush, I was running late
And I felt a little stressed

Now yesterday I went commando
But pulled the zipper up too quick
And before I even knew it
And caught me privates in the zip

So I made sure I had knickers on
Before I rushed out the door
But the hassle that they caused me
I should have left them in the drawer

I was out for fifteen minutes
When I felt that annoying pain
Me knickers went right up me bum
And I thought, “no, not again”

I did the usual funny walk
In the hope that they would move
Back to the place they should be
But they stayed lodged in that groove

I wanna stick my hand in
And go fishing for that lace
That’s chaffing my poor bum crack
While pain is screwing up my face

But by now everyone is staring
As I’m tugging at my jeans
They whisper that I have no shame
And I say “What do you mean?”

I don’t admit that my bum is hungry
An it thinks my knickers are to eat
So I make up a little story
To shut them up and keep them sweet

I tell them it’s my birthday
And friends are taking me for a treat
To see a show later tonight
So I’m just picking out my seat 😉

Facebook drives me crazy

I went on facebook this morning
To check my mail and say hello
When I spotted on my newsfeed
Stuff that I don’t need to know

Like how you can’t stop sneezing
Or your sinuses are killing
That you got a pile of ironing
And your washing machine needs filling

I don’t need to know what your doing
Every minute of the day
I don’t care that it’s still raining
Or your appointments running late

Or about all of your relationships
Or when your slagging off your mates
Or of all the friend requests you’ve sent
To those in reality, you hate

And what’s with the crying faces
You post for attention on your updates
That you have no intention of answering
When questioned by your mates

And stop sending me those damn requests
For those stupid facebook games
And I’m pretty sure I can live without
Not knowing my pornstar name

For goodness sake get a life
Ya status’s are boring
It’s not necessary that I know
Who you woke up with this morning

Suarez world cup parody

The third bite is the deepest (Rod Stewart)

Go on, sing it. Ya know ya wanna 😀

**********************************
After hearing the song, Suarez was quoted
Saying “IF YOU CAN’T BEAT EM… EAT EM”
**********************************
It started in 2010
When he bit Bakkal then did it again
Even though he got a 7 match ban
Still bit Ivanovic just because he can

Suarez you know

The third bite is the deepest
Ask Chiellini, he knows
The third bite is the deepest

Suarez and his knashers are cursed
When it comes to playin fair, he’s worse

He just ran up by his side
Took a bite an when got caught he just lied
Swore he didn’t, held his teeth and then cried
It’s so obvious that he’ll do it again

Suarez you know

The third bite is the deepest
Ask Chiellini, he knows
The third bite is the deepest

Suarez and his knashers are cursed
When it comes to playin fair, he’s worse

Tabarez do you have no shame
When you said that it’s all part of the game
And that FIFA shouldn’t give him the blame
But it’s so obvious that he’ll do it again

Suarez you know

The third bite is the deepest
Ask Chiellini, he knows
The third bite is the deepest

Suarez and his knashers are cursed
When it comes to playin fair, he’s worse

 

The offside rule for girls

For all the girls watching the world cup
I’ll explain the offside rule
I’ll say it in words you’ll understand
So as you don’t look a fool

Imagine you are in a shop
And you’re standing in the queue
You’re second in line and waiting
To pay for a pair of brand new shoes

Now the lady who is first in line
Spots the shoes and wants them too
But you have both forgotten your purses
So neither of you can buy the shoes

Your friend is at the back of the shop
And prepares to throw her purse to you
If she does then you can catch it
Walk round the shopper and buy the shoes

Or maybe she’ll throw the purse ahead
Of the shopper and while in flight
You could nip in front, catch the purse
Buy the shoes and win the fight

But please try to remember
That until the purse is thrown
You can’t go in front of the other shopper
Cos that really would be wrong

Builders …

It was Monday morning when
They came knocking at my door
“Hello darlin, we’re the blokes
Come to dig up ya bathroom floor”

They all marched in to take a look
And then one of them spoke
“It’s a bigger job than I first thought
We’re gonna need another bloke”

So the ginger one went for his mate
While the old boy got his bag
The third one he just scratched his head
While the gaffer had a fag

Ten minutes later ginger said
“I brought the plumber for the sink”
So we might as well get started
After we’ve all had a drink

Giving them the benefit of the doubt
I went and made a cuppa
If they don’t do some work real soon
They’ll still be here for supper

An hour later they got started
Well, if you could call it that
The drill was whirring noisily
While the hammer tap tap tapped

Then I heard “I’ve burst the pipe”
And the water hit the ceiling
At that point words couldn’t describe
The frustration I was feeling

“Don’t you worry flower
We know exactly what to do”…
I said fix it or you’ll feel the wrath
Of this here four by two

End of the day and not much done
I’ve never met such lazy men
I hope they do some work tomorrow
When sadly they’ll all be back again

Well that is if they’re not too scared
To get the sharp end of my tongue
Cos if they keep on making dumb mistakes
I’ll have them crying for their mum

I lost my flippin biscuit

What is it about today
So much is going wrong for me
Like when I dunked my biscuit
And it fell off in my tea

Many years I’ve dunked my biscuits
So I should’ve mastered it by now
But experience counts for nothing
And it falls in anyhow

It seems to happen in slow motion
Tell me, what’s all that about
And all the shouting and the cursing
Just doesn’t seem to get it out

I try to hook it with my fingers
And it sinks to the bottom again
In frustration I forget the tea is hot
And pull my fingers out in pain

It’s not flippin rocket science
People do it all the time
They dunk it in without a problem
But it always falls in mine

I want to throw it at the wall
But I’m dying for a drink
So I sip it slowly half way down
And tip the rest into the sink

The moral of this story is
Don’t dunk biscuits in your drink
Cos they’ll just fall in to annoy you
They are smarter than you think

Stupid laptop Grrrr

I couldn’t answer comments
Or your e-mails recently
As my laptop had decided
That it wouldn’t work for me

It took ages to spring into life
And I was getting really stressed
But it just sat there doing nothing
And the screen just blinked at best

I turned it off then on again
But it wasn’t playing ball
It took all that I could muster
Not to throw it at the wall

I tried talking to it gently
And I begged, “Oh come on, please”
But it just sat there doing nothing
And so I sank to my knees

Then I shouted and I swore at it
Then I threw it on the chair
Then picked up a book and hit it
But it didn’t seem to care

Not having my laptop
I really felt so lost
Well, I got it working now
I showed it who was boss 😉

Stuff I’d miss

Bananas and custard
New baby smells
A walk in the rain
Sound of church bells

Giggles while drinking
With a few of me mates
All those priceless moments
That make me feel great

Sweetcorn on my pizza
My mate when he sings
An I love all my music
For the comfort it brings

Hugs, lots of hugs
I love a good squeeze
I love them so much
I go weak at the knees

Sad soppy movies
Chips sprinkled with cheese
Great big belly laughs
Yes… I’m easily pleased

My first time

This visit was costing ninety quid
It better be worth my while
I was so scared I couldn’t even talk
Let alone manage a smile

This experience, it was new to me
I’d never needed it before
My whole body, it was shaking
As I opened up the door

Greeted by smiles from a woman
Short skirt, stockings, red silk shirt
“Please sit down, try not to worry
I’m sure that it won’t hurt”

Then I was taken to ‘the room’
Where he was standing, tool in hand
Slicked back hair and real tight jeans
And oh, so beautifully tanned

Go over to the table dear
And bend over and brace yourself
I just need to get myself ready
And he walked over to the shelf

Then strode back to me with purpose
And he lifted up my skirt
Pulled my panties to one side
I quivered, “Is this gonna hurt”

He smirked, “I’m sure you’ve taken bigger
And time is short so I must begin
I insist that you stop wriggling
And let me stick it in

There’s no safe word while in this room
And it was pointless calling for help
Then without warning gave it to me hard
I let out a whimper then a yelp

It went in right up to the hilt
It felt like he’d split me in two
I pulled down my skirt hitched round my waist
And ran out with my knickers still askew

I’m not going back, I hate the doctors
They always tie my tummy up in knots
Cos I tell you that no way, no how
Will I get another tetanus shot

Ha, I know what you were thinking
When you read my little rhyme
You naughty little boys and girls
You’ve got such dirty little minds