I’M HERE

I’m here today, just very sad
Drinking tea from my favourite cup
They’ll be no tears, not this time
Because they’ve all dried up

It’s not that I’m unhappy
I have friends and love my home
But I feel so lost all of the time
And I can’t stand to be alone

I go outside and I can’t breathe
I stay in and I feel so sad
Friends they call and visit me
But when they leave I’m really glad

I find that with each passing day
I love myself less and less
To end it all, is to end it all
And say goodbye to all this stress

But even that won’t take the pain
It will only pass it on
To everyone who loves me
They’d be so hurt at what I’d done

I know what’s wrong but I can’t fix it
I don’t need pity or advice
I really don’t know want I need
Except to change my whole damn life

No need to worry because as usual
I’ll be here to fight another day
What will be, will be for me
And I’ll accept it come what may

Dear Santa

I know that it’s been forty years
Since I wrote you my last letter
But I thought that you could help me
To maybe feel a little better

I was wondering could you send me
Someone like me who’s all alone
I could really use the company
So that I’m not on my own

He doesn’t have to be good looking
Or have a heart of gold
I’d just like someone that I can love
Someone that I can hold

To walk with me when I go out
To hold my hand and cuddle me
Someone to talk about my day with
And watch movies on TV

I understand that things seem worse
Around this seasons holiday
But dear Santa, I’m really hurting
And I cry nearly everyday

I’m not asking for forever
And I don’t need hearts and flowers
I just need someone to talk with
To pass away some lonely hours

So if you’re not too busy
Could you please pass by my way
So I can wake up with a hug
For a fantastic Christmas day

My poetry

Ink runs from corners of my heart
There is no happiness like mine
Than when I’m writing poetry
They are my happy times

Poetry is always there
If my strength should ever fade
To tell of love and happiness
Of which my memories are made

For every tear stained page I write
There is a tale of inspiration
And as my pen touches the paper
It toys with my imagination

Sometimes when I feel a sadness
I’ll write of love that isn’t mine
Although I could have held it
If born to another time

Or It’ll tell of friends who love me
The ones I couldn’t live without
Who have made my life worth living
Those who I would never doubt

I’m glad I chose to write today
I’ve not felt this low in a while
But I’m so glad I made the effort
Because my face just cracked a smile

Come and find me – 2014

Come an find me
If you dare
I’ve all this love
I need to share

I don’t like being
On my own
No-one here
Always alone

Take me to
A better place
Hold me tight
Kiss my face

Lay me down
Stroke my hair
Love me softly
Say you care

Stay a while
Dance with me
Take my heart
And set me free

Come an find me
If you dare
I’ve all this love
I need to share

In silent storms – 2014

I’ve got an exploding energy
And I keep pacing the floor
My head is screaming, nothings clear
My anxiety starts to soar

Electricity is running through me
This energy is so intense
I want to scream my head off
And nothing’s making sense

It’s more of an aching sadness
Than depression that I feel
Confused in mind and in heart
That nothing seems to heal

Candles flicker causing shadows
And I imagine someone there
I want to go over for a hug
But it’s just an empty chair

And so I sit in silent storms
My sanity, a trick of the light
My music playing in the background
Will get me through another night

But yet my heart beats still – 1998

One day you asked me on a date
Like an idiot I took the bait
I was young and blinded by your hate
But yet my heart beats still

I know that I should have declined
I must have been out of my mind
Rose tinted glasses made me blind
But yet my heart beats still

You made me wish that i was dead
I knew that worse times were ahead
You punished me until I bled
But yet my heart beats still

You took my friends away from me
Said I can’t see my family
Told me that I’d never be free
But yet my heart beats still

You said my place was in the home
Never let me out while on my own
Never did I feel so alone
But yet my heart beats still

Years later now and it is just me
I’m on my own, no family
But that’s ok cos I am free
And I’m glad my heart beats still

You’ll miss me – 2005

Mentally I tear out the pages
Of what hurts the most in my life
When really I should be throwing
The whole damn book onto the fire

If I was to end it all
Everyone would be there
To say how wonderful I was
To show how much they cared

Then they will stand by my grave
And weep at such a loss
Most of them are hypocrites
And this is why because

When I said I felt this bad
They didn’t know what to say
So instead of trying to understand
They just left me, walked away

Or they’d ask me if I needed help
But didn’t really mean it
They’d ask me how I’m feeling
But didn’t ever stop to hear it

One thing I know for certain
When all is said and done
You’ll be full of “Oh if only’s”
You’ll miss me when I’m gone

How can I leave – 2013

I got this tightness
In my chest
And it seems to worsen
With every breath

It’s like a darkness
Beneath my skin
I can feel the scars
Where it has been

I never know
When it will strike
I feel sick and
Lose my appetite

I lose sight of who
I’m supposed to be
As my anxiety
Takes over me

I wanna run from it
I don’t care where to
But how can I leave
When it wants to come too

Tear stained – 2011

She had to live once
In the worst of places
Full of saddened souls
With tear stained faces

All because she fell in love
She was gullible like that
Saw the best in people
But ended up their doormat

Now the darkness, it chokes her
Till she struggles to breathe
And it won’t let her go
It has no empathy

How long would she have to
Live on her knees
Scared of all that surrounds her
And too eager to please

She tries to hold back
But the demons, they follow
They stay all of the nights
And all of the tomorrows

Without better days in sight
It couldn’t get any worse
So she surrenders to demons
To which she’d been cursed

So with arms outstretched
Eyes closed and breath held
She falls to her freedom
And her demons dispel

Under the bed – 2000

Don’t worry sweetheart
My nanny would say
When she tucked me in
At the end of each day

There are no monsters
To harm you in the night
Cos the monsters that hurt you
They walk in plain sight

They could be those we live with
That you’d think were no threat
Or the lovers we hope for
That we haven’t met yet

So just close your eyes
And dream some sweet dreams
While you’re safe in your bed
Where the monsters ain’t real